Hey everyone,
I wanted to put out a few thoughts regarding mentality in League, especially compared to other competitive activities and skill-based endeavors. This is as much to simply clarify my own thoughts as it is to create a dialogue and, if I may be so bold, inform.
Also, I love writing long posts. If you clicked in, be warned. This is a goddamn novel.
However, here's the tl;dr
TL;DR - Basically I want to know what you guys think we as a community can do to improve toxicity and mentality in League, and maybe make it a bit more inviting and fun. Scroll down to the bottom on my suggestions/discussion section for my main talking points.
First, let me flex a bit to show what I'm bringing to the discussion (because it really isn't League knowledge, unfortunately):
I'm a dilettante at heart. I love learning new subjects, and I've always had a particular bent for competition.
Chess was a first competitive game, and I peaked around 1700 Elo. Not the highest, but not a bad player. Go (also known as baduk, igo, and weiqi) was a major love, and I currently sit at 1 kyu. I've also played some Overwatch (peaked at Plat) and a handful of other smaller games with less competitive communities.
For those unfamiliar with the ranks, to use a very rough comparison to the League system it would probably be something like:

High Gold/Low Plat in Chess
Mid Diamond in Go (maybe?)
Plat in Overwatch is honestly like, mid Gold in League

I also play three instruments competently (guitar especially well) and went to school for classical guitar and music composition. For those who have not worked in music or sought a career, it's quite competitive.
Oh, and Smash. I've played a healthy amount of Melee and PM. I'm not the best, but I'm better than most, played a fair amount online and followed the esports pretty closely. A few other fighting games too, but those never interested me nearly as much.
The reason that I bring these up is just to give a baseline of my knowledge about competitive mentality in general. You don't get good at these things by talent or just "not being an idiot," you have to play and practice and work and study. Talent doesn't get you very far at all.
Next, a disclaimer:
I'm a relatively new League player. I started playing League because my crush (later girlfriend, now wife) had just gotten into it. This was like...late S7? I played a couple dozen games, fed my ass off and then dropped it not long after. I didn't pick it back up until quarantine, where I started in Iron III and have made it up to Silver III (where I failed my promos for Silver II last night...).
So NOT a world-class League player. Statistically on the lower side of average, actually. But I'm working on it and I'm having fun.
I wanted to talk about a few subjects as they relate to League of Legends through the lens of my experience in learning other stuff. These are discussion points, not instructional. I don't want to tell anyone how they should play a game, but I did want to let everyone know how it looks from the viewpoint of a newcomer looking to compete in something cool.

League's Aspects
Toxicity
Newcomers
Comments/Suggestions for Discussion

LEAGUE'S ASPECTS
So the first thing is that I really like League as a skill-based game. MOBAs are very unique in their spot, but I think they deserve a seat at the table with discussions about games like chess, go, poker, etc.
One funny thing is that it is a skill-based game without the element of chance (per se) when it comes to gameplay, which makes one put it in the same realm as chess and the like. There's no RNG, just the choices of others, and so skill expression is very apparent.
However, there is a key distinction between games like chess and League, namely access to information. In chess or go, you see the whole board. You have the same information that your opponent does. In League, you have a situation where you have the limited information from your own team's vision via minions, towers, wards, and your own champion's line of sight. If there were no fog of war, League would be very much a simpler game and would be abysmally boring. This aspect gives it a similar feel to the competitive aspects of poker, where you have access to limited information and the skill lies in playing the numbers and using this to read your opponents and gain small advantages.
Next, there is another aspect which differentiates League from games like chess as well as games like poker and (an arguably much more direct relative) RTS games. That is the fact that League is played with a team. This makes it similar in a sense to a game like Overwatch in that one of the main factors that is out of your control is what your teammates do with their champs. You do your best on your champ, and communication with your team becomes a massive competitive advantage.
So the way I see it, there are a few distinct aspects of League when you want to break it down as a competitive game:

League is a skill-based game, where your game knowledge, decision making, and technical execution are rewarded. There is very little RNG. Lack of knowledge, poor decisions, or poor execution of decisions are punished.
League is an information-based game, where you do not have full information of the field of play and so information gathering and processing are rewarded. Lack of information gathering and failure to interpret what information you do have correctly are punished.
League is a team-based game where you have to work together with other players to accomplish your goals. Good communication and coordination are rewarded. Poor communication and coordination are punished. This is also the aspect which is most outside of your control.

TOXICITY
This is, unfortunately, the thing for which the League community is most infamous. Let's break down some situations I know y'all have seen in SoloQ:

You have a bad game. Everyone has them in SoloQ, from Iron to Challenger. Just check out op.gg or look at TSM's Worlds 2020 performance (jk, but not really. sorry, all NA fans...). Someone on your team starts "flaming" you for playing like shit. Which, let's face it, you are probably playing like shit compared to your average games.
Someone on your team is having a bad game and blames a teammate (usually the jungler) for their awful performance.
Your team starts losing and a teammate decides to "run it down."
Teammates that spam ff on a game that is still pretty winnable
Teammates that refuse to ff in order to lock you into an unwinnable game while they continue to run it down.
ADC blaming support or vice versa, when they just took bad fights or mispositioned.

This is normal, right?
But it's all kind of weird mentalities, especially because when they are doing well these same people never seem to think that they did it with their team's help or because of bad enemy play.
You go 10/0/0 in lane and got a double whenever you got ganked? It was because you popped off! It wasn't because they tried fighting in your wave or didn't track summs or just mechanically misplayed. It's because you're awesome, right?
Jungler camps your lane and gets you fed (in a dream world, right?) it's because you set up your lanes correctly, right? You might give some credit to your jg, but not as much blame as junglers usually get when the laner is just running it down.
Enemy team ffs a winnable game you type "?" in all chat.
Enemy team refuses to ff a game when you're 30k gold ahead on scaling champs, you feel confused and maybe laugh a bit.
I won't say that players never acknowledge mistakes of the enemy team as mistakes, but I think that the degree to which your teammates are upset by your mistakes is absolutely disproportionate to how well you are acknowledged for sound play, and the credit players give themselves is disproportionate to how much credit they give their team.
***
Some Comparisons:
Overwatch: I think League's toxicity stems, to a degree, from its team-based aspect. Overwatch is the only thing I've encountered where the community was anything but lovely, helpful, and informative. I think it's because in 2-player games, the only person you can blame is yourself. The other person beat you, therefore they were better than you that game, and so you have something to learn. Overwatch...that's not always the case.
However, I think Overwatch players do better than League players. There are calls people will make to do better, but it's very rare that someone gives up or spends a lot of time being upset when their teammate sucks, and they may adjust their play accordingly if someone on their team is not doing well.
Go/Chess: This aspect of toxicity was actually the reason I never got into League before quarantine. When you compare League's community to a game like go, League is (quite bluntly) fucking disgusting.
Do you know what go players do at mid-high ranks after a game? They sit down and review it together. Even in tournament settings, if you have time before your next match it is absolutely the polite thing to do. To refuse to review a game (barring perhaps if you have somewhere to be) can even considered a bit rude.
You know what would NEVER happen in a go match? Being rude to your opponent, whether they won or they lost. Like, I can't even fathom playing a game online with someone, dumpstering them and seeing them type "fuck you, kys trash" in game. Or getting dumpstered and someone typing "gg ez."
Now go players are a bit different. Go is a very thinking-based game and based on concepts of balance, trading, and sharing. So the game doesn't appeal to someone who can't sit at a board for a couple of hours quietly and compete, nor to people who feel the need to dominate someone.
But chess is about domination to a larger degree, and the games (can be) much faster than go, or at least of a similar length as your average game of League. And I could count EASILY on one hand the number of times anyone has been rude to me before, during, or after a chess match.
***
Rank-Shaming:
You know how deeply this is ingrained into players? Whenever anyone has told me they play League, they almost always put as a precursor that they are a "(insert-rank) scrub." Whether bronze or silver or diamond, they automatically feel bad because they know they can improve on the game.
Most everyone knows that statistically speaking over half of players are Gold or below. According to League of Graphs, Plat+ is just under 15% of players, while Diamond+ is just under 3% of players.
Do you know how objectively ridiculous it is to make fun of someone for being "hardstuck Diamond II"? To make fun of someone for being in the top .5% of all League players? That's insane.
This isn't a call-out post specifically and I legitimately am interested in opening up discussion, but this part is a bit of a call-out. This activity is stupid. It would literally be the equivalent of someone making fun of an IM (International Master) in chess for not being a Chess Grandmaster. IM is a lifetime achievement in and of itself.
The ONLY thing I've ever seen an equivalent of is some light jabbing from VERY high rated players when ACTIVELY TRYING TO HELP a player who is trying to break into high Elo (i.e. help a chess player break into 2000+ Elo and hit Candidate Master; or help a go player break into 1 dan).
If someone is being a toxic asshole, call them out for being a toxic asshole, not for their rank. I mean, damn.
Also, this flies in the face of any understanding of how systems like this work. Honestly if everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) in the world was as good as a Diamond player is currently, then you know what would happen? If there were any change at all, sure there would be fewer iron players BUT THERE WOULD ALSO BE WAY FEWER DIAMOND PLAYERS. The bell-curve would flatten out and most people would still fall somewhere in the middle. (Correct me if I'm wrong on my statistics knowledge here, reddit...)
Either way, rank is an indication of skill and a personal achievement. Shaming someone for not having made that goal yet is really shitty, I think.
***
Flaming Your Own Damn Team:
My brother (and frequent duo-queue partner) said it best when we muted some toxic teammates: "For a game so fundamentally based on communication, League is remarkably improved by turning off chat."
As mentioned earlier, teams are a core part of League and one of the things you can least control. So why is it that in the few things we can do to control our teammates (namely chat and pings), we insist on making it a toxic shit-hole of an experience? It's super easy to vent your frustrations, but it actively harms your team.
I don't think a single player has ever legitimately improved by getting flamed. Ever. They either get defensive and just do the same damn thing, they troll, or they mute you. But, in almost every case, they tilt. They play WORSE because of what you're doing. And they don't actually learn anything.
***
Winning/Losing:
In go, there is a saying: "a newcomer should lose their first hundred games as soon as possible." When the newcomer does this, the response is frequently "Nicely done! Get on with losing the next hundred."
This doesn't mean you int 100 games of go in a row. It means that you learn more by losing than by winning.
A question for all of you: how many games that you lost do you actually remember? Maybe a few spectacular losses, or some really close games that you couldn't pull through. But seriously, compared to how many games you've lost, how many actually stuck with you as memories? I'd bet not many.
For that matter, how many games that you won have stuck with you? Again, maybe some spectacular hijinx you pulled off and saved in a highlight reel, sure.
But at the end of the day, the W and the L are equally unremarkable when you're not playing professionally.
I've probably played and lost hundreds of games of chess and thousands of games of go. Do I remember any of them? I don't remember a single chess match I lost with any clarity, and I can remember exactly one go loss that I had because it was at a tournament I traveled for and the loss was due to a silly blunder.
League isn't different. So why do League players treat a loss like it's the end of the goddamn world?
Sure, there's a time investment involved and nobody likes to play to lose. But, if I'm being real...don't play competitive games if you're a sore-ass loser?
Like I said, go players often review the game with their opponent, win or lose. Usually the winner is the one who offers the review, but it doesn't matter. The point is that when the game is done, both players are willing to look each other in the eye and help each other get better at the game.
I personally feel like dignity in losing is important, and the lack of it is something I think will absolutely hurt your climb if you don't have it. Getting the fuck over yourself is something that frequently pushes someone past a middle rank in chess/go/etc. up to a serious ranking.
The idea should be to go into every game and try to win, but accept that you'll lose sometimes. If you're losing less than half of the time, you're climbing. If you're losing about half, then you have mistakes to learn from. If you're losing significantly more than half your games, you're either boosted or you're tilted, and you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
Additionally, you should realize that people who you are playing with are at your rank. "Elo Hell" is a concept that stemmed from League players and stems from the team-based nature of it all. Your teammates are "so bad" that you have to "hard carry" your games to get through, and even then you can't make it.
But that's bullshit, right? Sure there will be games where your teammates int and there's no way you can win but, over a long enough time period, there should be just as many games where your opponents int and you get a free win.
Actually, it's better than that. So long as you don't literally give up or troll, you have 4 players that could give up/troll on your team and 5 players that could give up/troll on the enemy team. Statistically, if you're better than your peers, you should climb.
There are certain strategies that work better in SoloQ (as opposed to coordinated FlexQ/Pro Play) and these are MORE than covered by a ton of YouTube content, as well as strategies that work better at low elo than high elo and vice versa. But barring that, your skill has a lot to do with your rank, so unless you are actively getting better at a rate faster than the people at your elo, you'll probably stay the same rank and maybe climb very slowly.
***
Surrender Votes:
This one I add because I mentioned it and thought there were two interesting schools of thought and wanted to see what others thought about it:
Chess:
In chess, there is not really incentive to forfeit since you may be able to force a draw. You are certainly allowed to resign if you're sure that the opponent has a way to beat you, knows what it is and is actively planning on properly executing that strategy, but there's nothing wrong with someone making you "play it out."
My dad always liked to say to me regarding chess that you should make your opponent "prove it." They should prove they know how to pull out the win. Quitters never win, right?
Go:
Go players do not share this philosophy. Since Go is a point-based game where you typically win by accumulating small advantages and the rules (as of the twentieth century) do not allow a draw to occur, the game can be won by a small margin or a large margin.
There occasionally comes a point where your opponent has accumulated an overwhelming advantage over you and you do not actually have room for counterplay. The lead is too great, and you will lose this game.
It is actually considered rude in the go community to NOT surrender, as all you are doing is wasting the time of your opponent.
While there is still no incentive for resignation from the standpoint of "you won't win either way," there is no incentive to continue either. You will lose. The reward for the forfeit is valuing your time and that of your opponents over pride.
League:
League appears to have players in both camps, each feeling the other is rude or inconsiderate.
Some people think that people who want to ff have "weak mental." Maybe it's true sometimes, but maybe they are looking at a situation where the enemy team is ahead, scales better, and appears to be well-coordinated. They don't want to spend the extra ten minutes "playing it out" when there seems to be no incentive for doing so. If they just chalk up the LP as lost and get to the next game, that ten minutes would already have them well into their next laning phase.
That being said, throws happen CONSTANTLY in League. Especially since the later a game goes on, the longer death timers are. So if the enemy team is ahead and doesn't end, and you catch someone out, you can force a fight 4v5 and maybe even just end if the game has gone on long enough, even if you are behind.
So "hostage takers" are sometimes just counting on the enemy team throwing, as they often may do.
Additionally, I think while League definitely has the aspect of "accumulating small advantages over the course of the game" and you can get to a situation where the enemy team just steamrolls you, League is more like chess than go in that there is a "checkmate" situation. The gold you have doesn't matter, the towers don't matter, the dragons don't matter except in how much they help you to take down the enemy nexus.
Therefore, objectively, it makes more sense to play it out. But this also goes back to toxicity: nobody wants to be trapped in game with an 0/20/2 mid/jg who's flaming all chat, spam pinging everyone and everything, and seems hell-bent on making sure that there's an extra 100 gold with every cannon wave mid by running straight into the enemy team 1v5. Why flame someone for wanting out?
What do you guys think?
NEWCOMERS
Like I said, this is my first real season actually dedicating time into this game. It was something social I could do in quarantine with my brother, wife, and a couple friends, and then I got into the competitive aspect a bit more. I studied it like I studied other things, namely by studying from experts, getting coaching where I could find it and playing a lot of games.
I felt comfortable in doing so because I have a great little group of friends that play and they were happy to teach me until I was comfortable enough to learn.
One thing I think that has improved in content-creation between when I first encountered the game in Season 7 and when I looked at it now is that it seems to be more widely understood that there are TWO sets of fundamentals in League. There are the basic mechanical aspects of how to play (abilities, last-hitting, towers, what jungle camps are and do, what each role does on a basic level, etc.) and then the more advanced decision making aspects (wave management, roaming, jungle timers/pathing, teamfighting, lane positioning, etc.).
The knowledge base required for League is actually massive, by the way, just like it is for almost any competitive game. The MINIMUM knowledge that I could see would be required to play like an actual human and not get smashed EVERY TIME is:

An intimate understanding of at least one role and how that role relates to the team
A strong understanding of at least a couple of champions, knowing how to play them, who counters them, who they counter, what runes to take, what items to generally build
A basic understanding of basically every other champion in the game so you know what to look out for
An ability to focus on several things at once (map, enemy movements, wave states, warding, enemy positioning, your own positioning).

Getting good requires expanding this knowledge base, as well as other aspects of the game. It's a lot to take in.
Combining this with the fact that you get punished for not being good (as covered earlier) and get flamed, told to uninstall, or even have homophobic/racial slurs and get told to kill yourself (which isn't as harmless to some people as you might think), the face of League is a very unfriendly one.
Which begs the question: how many more people would have fun and play this game if it weren't the baffling combination of complicated, difficult, and toxic?

COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
I've been thinking about making this post for a while, especially since Voyboy's famous video on community toxicity.
While I do think that Riot should not allow rampantly and obviously toxic behavior, the community has to do a lot of stepping up too.
Every time you personally int or type something shitty or are an asshole to others in-game, you show the rest of the players in your game that to some degree it is socially acceptable to do.
I ran a go club for a while, and if anyone treated a new player or an unskilled player half as poorly as I've seen inexperienced players treated (hell been treated as a new player), they would get a stern talking to and, if it continued, I would just kick them the fuck out. And nobody in my club would have batted an eye.
Wouldn't it be nice to have more people to play League with? And have the games be less toxic? Hell, maybe actually be fun?
The thrill of competition is a shared experience. If you have trouble with toxicity yourself, maybe just start by acknowledging that sometimes its okay for people to have a bad game, and its okay for your enemies to pop off sometimes. To feel otherwise is to torture yourself, as there's no way that (unless you're hard smurfing) you should expect to win 100% of your games with people at your rank.
But this goes beyond simply not being the guy who spends the game sitting under his turret typing and flaming his team. That should be a given if you want to see a less toxic game. It is the absolute bare minimum to not actively contribute to the things you don't want to see in game.
I think that if we want to improve the general environment of the game, we have to actively set examples and change what we think is acceptable conduct. Ignore or report bad conduct, but also add things you can do to improve the conditions.
Here are my thoughts on some stuff I think we can do as a community that will improve stuff:

Reviewing as a courtesy. Reviewing a game with your opponent can be SO helpful. I think we're not in a place where an offer to go over the game with your enemy laner would be seen as anything but condescending, but maybe it might be better received if the loser asked to go over the game? Or at least have a brief discussion about it in the post-game chat.
Coaching as a courtesy. The "Go Teaching Ladder" is a great service where lower rated go players would submit their games and higher rated players review them for free. The higher rated players also submit their games for review, so it runs off a combination of goodwill and fair exchange. This really wouldn't be hard to implement, honestly. What would you guys think of such a site/service? The flaw in this system is that a Bronze player might get incorrect information from a Plat player, but I think it's better than the Bronze player having at best Bronze information and at worst no information about how to improve.
Acknowledging both your enemies and your allies for good play. Instead of flaming someone else or going into self-deprecation, maybe just trying to look more at what an opponent did well and just typing in post-game chat that they played well and giving a genuine "gg" would just help make things not so toxic constantly.
Turning off chat. So we all know when we're being kind of toxic, right? If you can't help but type all game, then maybe just...remove your own ability to type? Just be the bigger person, realize you don't have the mental to avoid tilting your team even harder and just not do it. Conversely, if you know you have a weak mental and tilt easily or you're a brand new player and getting flamed all the time, it would also be good to disable chat while you get better. And I don't mean muting everyone or just "holding back" from typing. I mean clicking escape, going into your game settings and disabling both allied and team chat. The downside there is that you might miss calls and coordination in chat, but you can do most shotcalling with some creative pings and if you have a major problem with these things it can do more harm than good.
Making reports actually matter. Reporting someone for having a bad game seems to be common, but I think it harms the game. If there are 10,000 reports submitted and 9,000 of them are for "inting," but only 500 of those reports were validly for people actually running into enemy turret and flaming in all-chat between death timers, then Riot can't punish people as effectively for actually ruining the game. They have to play the numbers game here, and if you punished everyone who was reported as having a bad game at the same level as everyone who was actually inting, you would ban half the player base. So then it takes more reports to actually act upon these things to try to weed out people just not doing well or learning a role/champ, so now the actual offenders get to play more games before they get punished.

Anyway, thoughts on my suggestions? Suggestions of your own? Comments? Critiques? This has been bugging me for ages and I wanted to talk about it.

Tales from 2+2: The Biggest Loser at Microstakes of All Time, A Story of Struggle

Link to Previous Tales From 2+2: Poker player steals $1m+ chips and tries to sell it on 2+2 poker forums
More Tales From 2+2: A Very Controversial $70k prop bet
Tales from 2+2: Homelessness, Grinding and the Biggest Shot of a Grinder’s Life: The Jared Huggins Story

The Blossoming of TV Poker

The Year is 2006. Online poker is thriving. Partypoker has the highest traffic of any poker site but Pokerstars are gaining new players quickly with aggressive marketing strategies. Lots of poker sites are investing heavily into marketing and one key place to channel their advertising budget is TV. New innovations, improved graphics and increasing funding meant that poker TV is at an all-time peak of popularity.
40% of the the 2006 WSOP Main Event’s attendance is from online sites and poker sites are offering large amounts of cash for players on TV to wear an advertising patch. According to Dan Goldman’s blog, Pokerstars spent over $730,000 on WSOP players’ gift bags. The WSOP is seeing more TV time and this year the $50k HORSE event is added to the TV schedule alongside the WSOP main event. This year’s $50k WSOP HORSE final table saw some huge names including Chip Reese, Phil Ivey, Patrik Antonius and Doyle Brunson.

The Path of a New Player

In Finland, Mikael Paisting is watching the 2006 WSOP on TV. He enjoys watching poker broadcasts and is fascinated by the game. It’s a very common story for players to catch an interest by watching poker TV and sign up with to one of the many poker sites available. He chooses to deposit on Partypoker. Mikael is a committed learner and player. He reads several poker books from well-known authors such as Dan Harrington and David Sklansky. He also watches many training videos. Like many players starting in online poker he begins at the microstakes cash tables.
Microstakes are a rite of passage for many online poker players. The limits range from 2nl to 10nl, so the standard buy in is $2-10. Some will play microstakes for weeks, months or even years improving their game and increasing their bankroll so they can move up to small stakes, 25nl and above. Some players see the microstakes as a job and play as many tables as they can to eke out a living wage. Some players have never played microstakes and skip it entirely for higher stakes. Mikael starts to play and doesn’t do well, this is normal for many beginners, even those who study. However, over the next few weeks Mikael continues to lose. Months go by and Mikael still hasn’t turned a profit. He discovers problems with tilt and often takes his frustration out in the chat box. An example of his rage:

Paisting:THAT IS NOT NORMAL OMG!! JUST UNBELIEVABLE

Mikael doesn’t play 10nl very often and spends the majority of him time playing 2nl and 5nl. He continues to multitable cash games on Partypoker but he just can’t win. He starts to lose big, thousands of dollars, mostly at 2nl which is known as the softest cash game on the internet.

Getting Noticed

Mikael continues to play long sessions over the next five years, he claims to play 5-7 days a week for 4-8 hours a day. By 2011 he had played 2 and a half million hands while playing 6 to 9 cash tables at one time. Mikael is still mostly playing 2nl and is down a colossal amount: $7000. Mikael has been suffering from major tilt problems and has a very wild and noticeable style of playing microstakes. He starts to get noticed on 2+2, a very popular poker forum. A player posts a link to his PTR graph, a site which tracks online cash games. They are shocked at his losses over so many hands:

yegor: wow such a massive fail
he played 2.5m hands at 2nl and 5nl and he's losing
Donkey111: I remember him from my 2NL days.
often goes on some massive tilt sessions and spews like 20 BI in 500 hands by shoving any 2 cards preflop.

He even gets hate from his PTR account where he is ridiculed on his profile comments, he also replies:

VELAir26: Spend your time with family, friends or other hobbies instead
Paisting: im fine with this you stupid idiot

Mikael continues to play his reckless and tilting style over the years. By 2014, he has been playing for 8 years and is down five figures at microstakes; he starts to look for excuses for how much he has lost. He posts a thread on 2+2 detailing how he feels that he wins at the start of the month and then inevitably starts to lose. He asks how he can take legal action against Partypoker. His fellow posters tease him:

5thStreethog: Did the thought ever cross your mind that it might be possible that the reason you cant beat NL2 in over a million hands might be because you arent very good at poker?

An Attempt at Redemption

2019 comes and Mikael Paisting has been playing microstakes for 13 years, and steadily losing a lot of money. He got a new computer in late 2018 and has been grinding away on it. Mikael is getting mentioned more on 2+2 and he is well known on the tables of Partypoker as he drops stack after stack. Many players on Partypoker furiously try to get on his tables to call his tilt shoves; when Mikael is present other player’s stacks can get as high as $100 at 2nl as he shoves buy in after buy in to button steals. Some were said to be using seating scripts to instantly be placed on a table with Paisting. At this point he is feeling very low. But despite years of losing money and insane tilting he is determined to improve. Mikael is aware of his losses and has a fierce desire to make back the money he has lost since he’s started tracking on his new PC.
He decides get help and he looks to 2+2, the very same forum that had mocked him over the last decade. He logs in as Paisting, his last name. He starts a new thread, types out a post and chooses a title: 'Biggest loser in online poker history wants to grind $16k'. He posts this thread in the sub-forum Poker Goals & Challenges, a place where players post their goals and try to update their thread with their progress. He posts graphs of his losses from his database on his PC. He starts the thread by posting some shocking graphs of $8700 lost at 2nl, $6000 lost at 5nl and $800 lost at 10nl. At 2nl he had an incredible rate of -170BB each 100 hands. The final graph of his microstakes losses posted show $15,000 lost over 365,000 hands. An average loss of $75 a day.
The 2+2 poker community are stunned by the graphs:

HorseofHell: I'm actually shocked it's possible to lose this much at 2nl
Mahsjdj: This can't be real can it?

Mikael posts about the hard work he’s put into poker and mentions that has watched videos, read many instructional books and is honest with his astounding losses:

Paisting: I've lost literally all my money including all my life savings to online poker. I want to try one last time to win those money back and little bit of extra. That's why $16k. What I need is support and guiding.

The community react to his plan to grind all the money back at microstakes:

Fodersneso: This is really disturbing.
Why on earth would you try to grind this all back? Losing at this rate is traumatizing. You're going to grind out 3000 BIs @nl5 now or what's the plan? Really curious how you think you can turn this pile of insanity around...

The community show disbelief and doubt that his story is real but several posters claim that what he says is true. He has been active in Finnish forums for more than 10 years and players starts to share hand histories and stories about his playstyle. He posts about his regret of picking the game up:

Paisting: Never had a winning week in 13 years.
If it were possible to go back ten years I would say to myself "Do not never play single one hand!"

He then goes on to tell 2+2 posters a disturbing source of his funds for his staggering 2nl losses:

Paisting: I've taken huge amount of fast loans.

He sheds a little light into his personal life:

Paisting: My age and relationships has nothing to do with this. But not working, no kids or wife and middle aged. What I have is time to play.
I get a little unemployment benefit that goes straight to the rent. My eating costs are very little because I'm only eating one meal per day. There are times when I must take more fast loans if need of clothes, unexpected bills, sickness etc. That's why getting back those $16k is so important to me.
No disability, never played anything else than poker or lottery when pots are bigger, maybe 5 times in year. Playing poker does not give me any excitement or I'm not cheering won pots.

Posters try to give him strategy advice, they try to persuade him time and time again that shoving 100+ blinds to a minsteal isn’t a good idea. Some others question his sanity and tell him to quit:

FazendeiroBH: Not trolling, I´m actually serious here. You lost an absurd amount of money playing the easiest stake in the world (nl2). You keep losing doing the same faulty strategy. No book ever said you should jam 100 bb preflop rfi. It´s quite obvious there is something wrong with you and your brain, and the more you delay seeking professional care for your mental problems, the worst it´s gonna be for you.

Paitsing updates his thread with highlight hands from his cash sessions. He seems to cherry pick hands to post and will only post hands where he loses all ins as a 70-95% favourite. He delusion leads him to blame the site, his luck and the other micro grinders. He often writes about specific players and gives his opinion on how badly they play. He often quotes their HUD stats and wide calling ranges while ignoring that they are probably adjusting heavily to his own playstyle. Some time passes and he discloses that he has lost almost $500 at 2nl since starting the thread three weeks ago.
He updates his followers with the first monthly graph of the thread from his 2nl play in April 2019. He plays for 90 hours in April and his average daily loss is $50, 25 buy ins each day. 2+2 players start to analyse the graph. They notice that there are several breakeven spots where he may be playing reasonable poker but also huge 150 buy in downswings, some drops in the graph are so steep that he is losing about a buy in every 5 hands for periods of hundreds of hands. He says:

Paitsing: Only trying to get my money back from guys who are playing nl2 forever and never moving up. When I started poker long time ago I tought it's exciting to read watch videos if it gives me more money. After 2 years figured out it's just sitting on computer like in work and if I'm someday +-0 never ever playing this stupid game. This is like war.

888 Poker - $0.02 NL (6 max) - Holdem - 6 players
BTN: 250.5 BB
SB (Paisting): 425.5 BB
BB: 101.5 BB
UTG: 100 BB
MP: 106.5 BB
CO: 84.5 BB
Pre Flop: (pot: 1.5 BB) BTN has Ad Qs
fold, fold, fold, BTN raises to 2 BB, Paisting raises to 425.5 BB and is all-in, fold, BTN calls 248.5 BB and is all-in
Flop: (502 BB, 2 players) Kh 4s 4c
Turn: (502 BB, 2 players) 3h
River: (502 BB, 2 players) Jc
BTN shows Ad Qs (One Pair, Fours)

Paisting shows 5s Js (Two Pair, Jacks and Fours)

Paisting wins 471 BB<
Later in the thread Paisting would reveal his line of thinking during hands like these; a poster asked why he though 3 betting hands like J5 was a good idea. Paisting replies:

Paisting: If you don't want them to run over you, you must do something. Blind play is very important and you can't let them run over you. When 80+ habit stealer gets shoves straight to his face he must learn at some point that I'm not giving blinds.

Many tried to reason with him and show him clearly why this was wrong, he not only refuted their strategy but would argue against them, often citing his opponent’s HUD stats.
Later on in the thread Mikael posts horrifying news. He explains that he didn’t transfer hands from his old computer to his new computer. The graphs he posted at the start of the thread only showed the tip of the iceberg. He reveals that $16k loss from the graphs was from just 7 months of play!:

Paisting: That 16k is in 209 days and in about 1 year as you can see from the first post. Big part of my losings has left to hard drive of my old crashed computer. That's past and I don't wanna think about it anymore. Main goal is this database I have here in my computer. But yes what I have been repeating many times, moving to 888 poker has sky rocketed my losses although I can play only 6 tables compared to party's 9 tables.

Posters speculate that his lifetime microstakes losses probably amount to six figures:

SpinMeRightRound: I mean if he's lost $20k in the last year, and he's been doing this for more than 10 years, he may have lost $200k or more.

In late 2019, Paisting claims that there was a ring of players were colluding against him. He goes on to say that the new site he plays on, 888, were asking for hand histories from certain players. He showed emails of his communications and posted that 8 players had had their account frozen. He also shows screenshots that his account is temporarily frozen during the investigation. Posters speculated:

CrunchyBlack: Pretty sure they think you're chip dumping lmao
.isolated: They think you're chip dumping to him. Funniest. Thing. Ever. The irony here is nearly palpable.

2020: The Struggle Continues

At the end of the year Paisting posts his 2019 graphs. He says that he hasn’t had a winning week yet and he’s still committed to making back 2019’s losses. His graphs show down 12k from 320k hands of 2nl in 2019.
In January 2020 he continues to post regularly and makes comments about him hunting down players worse than him:

Paisting: When you hunt really bad player (yes enzet there are plenty of worst player than me on 888 look those hand histories really carefully) hours and hours and wait good hand just to site let them to suck out it is affecting your game really badly.

He posts about his continuing struggle to win back the $16k:

Paisting: I have years dedicated for this project and anything back from that amount is winning to me. At this point it’s impossible to make any profit because of horrible suckouts.

He also posts about the high interest loans he’s taken out:

Paisting: I have huge amounts of loans that are basically all taken for poker. I don't eat much and all my other costs are very low.
And because of those loans I must get back so much money that is possible and these suck outs must stop.

February 2020 arrives and he posts his January chart, the worst posted yet. He takes a gigantic loss of $1,550 at an eye-watering rate of 210bb/100 hands. Often when he posts monthly graphs he would highlight that he ran a few buy ins below EV when he would be down hundreds of buy ins for the month.
The months pass and the cycle continues. Paisting posts the usual bad beats, posters berate him and try to give him advice and Paisting resists their efforts. Here is one of many similar hands posted in February:

888Poker, Hold'em No Limit - $0.01/$0.02 - 6 players
UTG: $1.46 (73 bb) Paisting (MP): $7.45 (373 bb) CO: $15.44 (772 bb) BU: $2.00 (100 bb) SB: $3.47 (174 bb) BB: $2.00 (100 bb)
Pre-Flop: ($0.03) 1 fold, Paisting(MP) raises to $7.45 (all-in), CO calls $7.45, 3 players fold
Flop: ($14.93) 6c 7c 4d (2 players, 1 all-in)
Turn: ($14.93) Ts (2 players, 1 all-in)
River: ($14.93) 8h (2 players, 1 all-in)
Total pot: $14.93 (Rake: $0.93)
Showdown: Paisting (MP) shows 7d Tc (two pair, Tens and Sevens) (CO) shows Js Jc (a pair of Jacks) Paisting (MP) wins $14

March comes and the regular monthly graph is posted. The uploaded graph shows is he down $1900 or 950 buy ins for last month. Mikael refutes that he is a gambling addict:

Paisting: 888 has given many 10 dollar bonuses to me play slots. I have never played them and in fact my account has 20 dollars freeplay bonus to play their slots. I will not use those money now or in future. So that's gambling addict to you.

April and May roll by and the monthly graphs are posted. He played fewer hands than normal, 43,000. But is down $1,250, all at 2nl.
In June he posts the usual monthly graph with -$1900 and it’s the lowest win rate he’s posted before, a colossal -335b/100hands, the graph has some alarmingly steep downswings with one section where he loses $500 in 1000 hands. That’s a loss of one buy in every 4 hands. Getting these monthly updates shows how quickly he loses money at 2nl and collaborates with earlier estimations that he is likely down more than $100k at microstakes over the past 14 years. Approximations indicate that Mikael has paid over $20k in rake to poker sites over the years.

The End, for Now

Mikael is still playing microstakes to this day. His poker story isn’t over yet but so far it is a sad one. My previous two Tales from 2+2 stories had mostly happy endings but not this one. This story is like a car falling down a cliff and it hasn’t hit the bottom yet.
Let this story be a lesson that poker isn’t for everyone. Players with addiction or mental issues should reconsider if the game is best for their lives. Serious poker players should consider bankroll management and how tilt affects their winrate if they do choose to play.
Seek help if you think you or others need it.
Original thread (Still active)

[Online Poker] The Biggest Loser of All Time at the Lowest Online Stakes, a Story of Struggle

Link to my online poker HobbyDrama posts: Poker player steals $1m+ chips and tries to sell it on 2+2 poker forums
A Very Controversial $70k prop bet
Poker Forum Help Homeless Player Attempt The Shot of a Lifetime

The Blossoming of TV Poker

The Year is 2006. Online poker is thriving. Partypoker has the highest traffic of any poker site but Pokerstars are gaining new players quickly with aggressive marketing strategies. Lots of poker sites are investing heavily into marketing and one key place to channel their advertising budget is TV. New innovations, improved graphics and increasing funding meant that poker TV is at an all-time peak of popularity.
The World Series of Poker (WSOP) is the biggest event in the poker calendar, it features many poker tournaments culminating in the prestigious $10k Main Event tournament. The Main Event is a popular televised tournament. 40% of the the 2006 WSOP Main Event’s attendance is from online sites and poker sites are offering large amounts of cash for players on TV to wear an advertising patch. According to Dan Goldman’s blog, Pokerstars spent over $730,000 on WSOP players’ gift bags. The WSOP is seeing more TV time and this year an extra event is added to the TV schedule alongside the WSOP main event.

The Path of a New Player

In Finland, Mikael Paisting is watching the 2006 WSOP on TV. He enjoys watching poker broadcasts and is fascinated by the game. It’s a very common story for players to catch an interest by watching poker TV and sign up with to one of the many poker sites available. He chooses to deposit on Partypoker. Mikael is a committed learner and player. He reads several poker books from well-known authors. He also watches many training videos. Like many players starting in online poker he begins at the microstakes cash tables.
The standard buy in for microstakes online is $2-10, if a player plays microstakes for an hour they would probably win or lose a few dollars. 2nl means the big blind is 2 cents and standard buy in is $2, the standard buy in at 5nl is $5 and 10nl is $10.
Microstakes are a rite of passage for many online poker players. Some will play microstakes for weeks, months or even years improving their game and increasing their bankroll so they can move up to small stakes, 25nl and above. Some players see the microstakes as a job and play as many tables as they can to eke out a living wage. Some players have never played microstakes and skip it entirely for higher stakes. Mikael starts to play and doesn’t do well, this is normal for many beginners, even those who study. However, over the next few weeks Mikael continues to lose. Months go by and Mikael still hasn’t turned a profit. He discovers problems with tilt (when players get angry and it negatively affects their play) and often takes his frustration out in the chat box. An example of his rage:

Paisting:THAT IS NOT NORMAL OMG!! JUST UNBELIEVABLE

Mikael doesn’t play 10nl very often and spends the majority of him time playing 2nl and 5nl, buying in for $2-5 at a time. He continues to multitable cash games on Partypoker but he just can’t win. He starts to lose big, thousands of dollars, mostly at 2nl which is known as the softest cash game on the internet.

Getting Noticed

Mikael continues to play long sessions over the next five years, he claims to play 5-7 days a week for 4-8 hours a day. By 2011 he had played 2 and a half million hands while playing 6 to 9 cash tables at one time. Mikael is still mostly playing 2nl and is down a colossal amount: $7000. Remember that he is mostly playing 2nl, with a buy in of $2, even losing $1000 at 2nl is unheard of. Mikael has been suffering from major tilt problems and has a very wild and noticeable style of playing microstakes. He starts to get noticed on 2+2, a very popular poker forum. A player posts a link to his PTR graph, a site which tracks online cash games. They are shocked at his losses over so many hands:

yegor: wow such a massive fail
he played 2.5m hands at 2nl and 5nl and he's losing
Donkey111: I remember him from my 2NL days.
often goes on some massive tilt sessions and spews like 20 BI [buy ins] in 500 hands by shoving any 2 cards preflop.

He even gets hate from his PTR account where he is ridiculed on his profile comments, he also replies:

VELAir26: Spend your time with family, friends or other hobbies instead
Paisting: im fine with this you stupid idiot

5thStreethog: Did the thought ever cross your mind that it might be possible that the reason you cant beat NL2 in over a million hands might be because you arent very good at poker?

An Attempt at Redemption

2019 comes and Mikael Paisting has been playing microstakes for 13 years, and steadily losing a lot of money. He got a new computer in late 2018 and has been grinding away on it. Mikael is getting mentioned more on 2+2 and he is well known on the tables of Partypoker as he drops stack after stack. Many players on Partypoker furiously try to get on his tables to call his tilt shoves; when Mikael is present other player’s stacks can get as high as $100 at 2nl as he shoves buy in after buy in in bad spots. Some were said to be using seating scripts to instantly be placed on a table with Paisting. At this point he is feeling very low. But despite years of losing money and insane tilting he is determined to improve. Mikael is aware of his losses and has a fierce desire to make back the money he has lost since he’s started tracking on his new PC.
He decides get help and he looks to 2+2, the very same forum that had mocked him over the last decade. He logs in as Paisting, his last name. He starts a new thread, types out a post and chooses a title: 'Biggest loser in online poker history wants to grind $16k'. He posts this thread in the sub-forum Poker Goals & Challenges, a place where players post their goals and try to update their thread with their progress. He posts graphs of his losses from his database on his PC. He starts the thread by posting some shocking graphs of $8700 lost at 2nl, $6000 lost at 5nl and $800 lost at 10nl. At 2nl he had an incredible rate of losing an average of $75 a day. The final graph of his microstakes losses posted show $15,000 lost over 365,000 hands.
The 2+2 poker community are stunned by the graphs:

HorseofHell: I'm actually shocked it's possible to lose this much at 2nl
Mahsjdj: This can't be real can it?

Mikael posts about the hard work he’s put into poker and mentions that has watched videos, read many instructional books and is honest with his astounding losses:

Paisting: I've lost literally all my money including all my life savings to online poker. I want to try one last time to win those money back and little bit of extra. That's why $16k. What I need is support and guiding.

The community react to his plan to grind all the money back at microstakes:

Fodersneso: This is really disturbing.
Why on earth would you try to grind this all back? Losing at this rate is traumatizing. You're going to grind out 3000 BIs [buy ins] @nl5 now or what's the plan? Really curious how you think you can turn this pile of insanity around...

Paisting: Never had a winning week in 13 years.
If it were possible to go back ten years I would say to myself "Do not never play single one hand!"

He then goes on to tell 2+2 posters a disturbing source of his funds for his staggering 2nl losses:

Paisting: I've taken huge amount of fast loans.

He sheds a little light into his personal life:

Paisting: My age and relationships has nothing to do with this. But not working, no kids or wife and middle aged. What I have is time to play.
I get a little unemployment benefit that goes straight to the rent. My eating costs are very little because I'm only eating one meal per day. There are times when I must take more fast loans if need of clothes, unexpected bills, sickness etc. That's why getting back those $16k is so important to me.
No disability, never played anything else than poker or lottery when pots are bigger, maybe 5 times in year. Playing poker does not give me any excitement or I'm not cheering won pots.

Posters try to give him strategy advice, they try to persuade him time and time again that his strategy isn't working. Some others question his sanity and tell him to quit:

FazendeiroBH: Not trolling, I´m actually serious here. You lost an absurd amount of money playing the easiest stake in the world (nl2). You keep losing doing the same faulty strategy. It´s quite obvious there is something wrong with you and your brain, and the more you delay seeking professional care for your mental problems, the worst it´s gonna be for you.

Paitsing updates his thread with highlight hands from his cash sessions. He seems to cherry pick hands to post and will only post hands where he loses all ins as a 70-95% favourite. He delusion leads him to blame the site, his luck and the other micro grinders. He often writes about specific players and gives his opinion on how badly they play. Some time passes and he discloses that he has lost almost $500 at 2nl since starting the thread three weeks ago.
He updates his followers with the first monthly graph of the thread from his 2nl play in April 2019. He plays for 90 hours in April and his average daily loss is $50, 25 buyins each day. 2+2 players start to analyse the graph. They notice that there are several breakeven spots where he may be playing reasonable poker but also huge 150 buy in downswings, some drops in the graph are so steep that he is losing about a buy in every 5 hands for periods of hundreds of hands. He says:

Paitsing: Only trying to get my money back from guys who are playing nl2 forever and never moving up. When I started poker long time ago I tought it's exciting to read watch videos if it gives me more money. After 2 years figured out it's just sitting on computer like in work and if I'm someday +-0 never ever playing this stupid game. This is like war.

The thread goes on like this for almost a year. The thread repeats itself over and over. He will post a few selective bad beats, ignore good advice and berate his microstakes tablemates. A fellow microstakes grinder makes his first appearance in the thread: 6betpot. 6Betpot would play at Paisting's tables and often win many buy ins, 6Betpot would go on to post highly contrasting hand histories to the unlucky hands that Paisting posts which shows the hands Mikael was not posting. Some players would criticize 6Betpot for predatory behavior but 6Betpot would maintain that he would try to persuade Paisting to stop playing in a crazy manner.
Many tried to reason with Mikael and show him clearly why this was wrong, he not only refuted their strategy but would argue against them.
Later on in the thread Mikael posts horrifying news. He explains that he didn’t transfer hands from his old computer to his new computer. The graphs he posted at the start of the thread only showed the tip of the iceberg. He reveals that $16k loss from the graphs was from just 7 months of play!:

Paisting: That 16k is in 209 days and in about 1 year as you can see from the first post. Big part of my losings has left to hard drive of my old crashed computer. That's past and I don't wanna think about it anymore. Main goal is this database I have here in my computer. But yes what I have been repeating many times, moving to 888 poker has sky rocketed my losses although I can play only 6 tables compared to party's 9 tables.

Posters speculate that his lifetime microstakes losses probably amount to six figures:

SpinMeRightRound: I mean if he's lost $20k in the last year, and he's been doing this for more than 10 years, he may have lost $200k or more.

2020: The Struggle Continues

Paisting: When you hunt really bad player (yes enzet there are plenty of worst player than me on 888 look those hand histories really carefully) hours and hours and wait good hand just to site let them to suck out it is affecting your game really badly.

He posts about his continuing struggle to win back the $16k:

Paisting: I have years dedicated for this project and anything back from that amount is winning to me. At this point it’s impossible to make any profit because of horrible suckouts.

He also posts about the high interest loans he’s taken out:

Paisting: I have huge amounts of loans that are basically all taken for poker. I don't eat much and all my other costs are very low.
And because of those loans I must get back so much money that is possible and these suck outs must stop.

February 2020 arrives and he posts his January chart, the worst posted yet. He takes a gigantic loss of $1,550 at an eye-watering rate.
The months pass and the cycle continues. Paisting posts the usual unlucky hands, posters berate him and try to give him advice and Paisting resists their efforts. Here is one of many similar hands posted in February, this hand shows him making an awful play and raising huge with a weak hand:

888Poker, Hold'em No Limit - $0.01/$0.02 - 6 players
UTG: $1.46 (73 bb) Paisting (MP): $7.45 (373 bb) CO: $15.44 (772 bb) BU: $2.00 (100 bb) SB: $3.47 (174 bb) BB: $2.00 (100 bb)
Pre-Flop: ($0.03) 1 fold, Paisting(MP) raises to $7.45 (all-in), CO calls $7.45, 3 players fold
Flop: ($14.93) 6c 7c 4d (2 players, 1 all-in)
Turn: ($14.93) Ts (2 players, 1 all-in)
River: ($14.93) 8h (2 players, 1 all-in)
Total pot: $14.93 (Rake: $0.93)
Showdown: Paisting (MP) shows 7d Tc (two pair, Tens and Sevens) (CO) shows Js Jc (a pair of Jacks) Paisting (MP) wins $14

March comes and the regular monthly graph is posted. The uploaded graph shows is he down $1900 or 950 buy ins for last month. Mikael refutes that he is a gambling addict:

Paisting: 888 has given many 10 dollar bonuses to me play slots. I have never played them and in fact my account has 20 dollars freeplay bonus to play their slots. I will not use those money now or in future. So that's gambling addict to you.

April and May roll by and the monthly graphs are posted. He played fewer hands than normal, 43,000. But is down $1,250, all at 2nl.
In June he posts the usual monthly graph with -$1900 and it’s the lowest win rate he’s posted before, the graph has some alarmingly steep downswings with one section where he loses $500 in 1000 hands. That’s a loss of one buy in every 4 hands. Getting these monthly updates shows how quickly he loses money at 2nl and collaborates with earlier estimations that he is likely down more than $100k at microstakes over the past 14 years.

The End, for Now

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More Tales From 2+2: A Very Controversial $70k prop bet

I enjoyed writing up and seeing positive feedback from this post so I decided to write up about an interesting prop bet that came from the 2+2 poker forums that I feel went under the radar. It's way longer than I thought it would be but this story has it all: large amounts of money being bet, furious grinding, 25 buy in swings, community outrage and Doug Polk.

The Site

The modern cash game grinder may be surprised to hear that there used to be a Sharkscope style tracking website for online cash games, it was called PokerTableRatings or PTR. It tracked hands fairly accurately. Today, it doesn’t exist and has been shut down for years but it was a valuable resource for grinders and having one browser open to check out opponents was useful. PTR showed your graph and win rates at different stakes, it also had an achievement system. Some achievements were serious like ‘1 Million Dollars In Profit’ and some were less serious like ‘Check Raise 3 Times In A Hand’. One coveted achievement given by PTR was the ‘Ultimate Grinder’. This was given to the most profitable player each month at each stake, this was all tracked on the Ultimate Grinder Leaderboard. So for example: if you are the top of the leaderboard for 50NL in December 2008, you will receive the ‘Ultimate Grinder December 50nl 2008’ badge on your PTR profile.

The Bets

The year is 2010. Johnathon Duhamel has won the WSOP Main Event. Poker, especially online poker is still booming. The grinders are plentiful. The fish are more plentiful. Posts flow on 2+2 like wine.
Enter Silent_0ne. He puts out a proposition bet on BBV (Beats, Brags and Variance: a subforum of 2+2 which is the precursor to Poker’s weekly BBV thread). Back in the golden days of online poker and 2+2 it was common for large prop bets to be made on BBV. Silent_0ne’s prop bet is he will be the ultimate grinder for December 2010 at 100nl. No easy feat, the previous months' ultimate grinders had won between $12k-18k and Silent_0ne claimed to have never played more than 10 tables or ever played on Pokerstars. The odds were set at 6:1 odds in Silent’s_0ne’s favour. Jalexand42 was selected to be the escrow and judge of this prop bet, so he will be the middleman for the money and he will arbitrate any disputes. The rules were set down covered many different situations. The judge was confident of this:

Jalexand42: Just a quick note about the judging... I'm optimistic there won't be any controversy in this bet the way the rules have been defined. (#83)

He would turn out to be so wrong.
Many 2+2 posters weighed their opinions in and started to place bets:

Chicago Joey (Joey Ingram): damn that is going to be interesting for a bunch of reasons(#46)
Canoodles: If I was OP, I wouldn't take this for less than 100-1. (#18)
Chinz: Settling for 6-1 and doing it on December when lots of SNE chasers are playing really high volume... You don't seem to like money. (#218)

Nearly all the posters doubted Silent_0ne but he seemed confident and Jalexand42 started collecting money.
By the 28th November, with 3 days to go until the challenge begins the bets were placed and finalized, 14 people put up between $600-$3k. Silent_0ne stood to gain $67,500 or lose $11,250 from the bet alone. In just a few days he would put himself at the mercy of variance and would dedicate himself to destroying 100nl. If he overcomes this challenging month, he stood to win a significant amount of money.

The Play

December the first rolled in and Silent_0ne starting playing. It was a rocky start for him, he finished day two down more than $2k and received comments from 2+2 posters like:

ChicagoJoey [Joey Ingram]: lol trainwreck (#392)
MinSixBet: are you still taking action? (#399)

But some posters really believed in him and were rooting hard:

Eaglesfan1: Forget about the leaderboard and focus on your game and playing ur best. (#406)

However things got worse and Silent_one seemed to be losing hope, on day 4 he posted this:

Silent_0ne: just got owned
bad rly bad "hero call" for big pot
set of 8s < set of As
KK < AK
bad river bluff shove
set of 6s < str
10s < Js
AK < AA
AK on AK6 board < 66
AA < 99 on 974 board
^ all greater than 200 big blind pots
could have prevented half of those if I didnt suck so much (#410)

Day 5 and Silent_0ne was doing better but was down a few buy ins, still far behind his target. Remember, he needs to be number one in profit in the massive 2010 pool of 100nl Pokerstars players. He posted this astonishing hand:
Poker Stars $0.50/$1 No Limit Hold'em $0.20 Ante - 9 players

Silent_0ne: $568.55 UTG+1: $444.30 UTG+2: $519.10 MP1: $226.75 Hero (MP2): $257.70 CO: $250.00 BTN: $100.00 SB: $257.70 BB: $120.90
Pre Flop: ($3.30) Silent_0ne is MP2 with 9h 9c
Silent_0ne raises to $4.80, UTG+1 raises to $18.60, 1 fold, MP1 calls $18.60, 5 folds, Silent_0ne calls $13.80
Flop: ($59.10) 2h 8s 5s(3 players)
Silent_0ne checks, UTG+1 bets $32, MP1 folds, Silent_0ne raises to $92, UTG+1 calls $60
Turn: ($243.10) Kc (2 players)
Silent_0ne checks, UTG+1 checks
River: ($243.10) 4s (2 players)
Silent_0ne bets $127, UTG+1 raises to $333.50 all in, Silent_0ne calls $206.50
Final Pot: $910.10
Silent_0ne shows 9h 9c (a pair of Nines)
UTG+1 shows 9d Jc (high card King)
Silent_0ne wins $907.10

As you can see, 2010 was truly an amazing place for online poker.
Silent_0ne was bringing out his inner grinder and was playing 16 hour sessions and seeing huge swings in the first week. Day 7 and he posted some hands that shocked the community and his growing fan base:

DPred123: wtf at those HHs. (#520)
Transa: LoLolLololooLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL (#521)

Here are two of the hands he posted:

Poker Stars $0.50/$1 No Limit Hold'em $0.20 Ante - 9 players
Pre Flop: ($3.30) MP1: $365.20 Hero (CO): $342.35 Silent_0ne is CO with 7s 7d
3 folds, MP1 raises to $4, 1 fold, Silent_0ne raises to $15.50, 3 folds, MP1 raises to $41.90, Silent_0ne raises to $342.15 all in, MP1 calls $300.25
Flop: ($687.60) Th Kc 6s(2 players - 1 is all in)
Turn: ($687.60) Ts (2 players - 1 is all in)
River: ($687.60) 2h (2 players - 1 is all in)
Final Pot: $687.60
MP1 shows Ac Ah (two pair, Aces and Tens)

and:

Poker Stars $0.50/$1 No Limit Hold'em $0.20 Ante - 3 players
BTN: $656.85 Silent_0ne(SB): $288.00 BB: $345.00
Pre Flop: ($2.10) Silent_0ne is SB with 4d 4h
BTN raises to $3, Silent_0ne raises to $12, 1 fold, BTN calls $9
Flop: ($25.60) 3h 6d 5s(2 players)
Silent_0ne checks, BTN bets $18, Silent_0ne raises to $275.80 all in, BTN calls $257.80
Turn: ($577.20) Js (2 players - 1 is all in)
River: ($577.20) 9c (2 players - 1 is all in)
Final Pot: $577.20
BTN shows 3d 5d (two pair, Fives and Threes)
Hero Silent_0ne 4h 4h (a pair of Fours)
BTN wins $576.20

Silent_0ne explained:

Silent_0ne: barely ate anything last few days. i just get up and play, dont prepare anything. im playing right now btw. down around 2700$ for the month. im really dumb for spewing off 3k+ just cause i was tilted/ran bad, and snapped. another problem that people overlook is the extra attention i get at the tables for doing this prop bet. lots of regs can exploit my plays and then all tend to focus on owning me. (#554)

Silent_0ne had started the month on a $3k downswing, then won $2.5k before going on another $3k downswing in just one week. He must have felt desperate as after an hour and a half Silent_0ne had an idea and events took a shocking turn:

Silent_0ne: any interested if i give up 100nl and start tomorrow on day 7 at 50nl to try and get the badge there for 6 to 1. i wanna gamble and break even on the month, so im willing to put up 5k on this if any1 is interested? (#570)

This new bet must have seemed too good to be true. At this point he had been relentlessly grinding 100nl for a week, was losing badly, he was tilting, was likely playing more tables than he can handle and he’s a week behind getting to the top of the 50nl leaderboard. The bets started to pour in and within an hour he had 7 people place action. The community commented:

Absurd: This is adsurd (#601)
jalexand42: Seriously, take a day to cool off. (#599)
King Fish: I'd be interested but highly advise you to reconsider this and maybe take an hour and step back. Edit: will take $1800 to your $300 assuming same judge and escrow. (#574)
loK2thabrain: I call dibs on first bet when he moves down to win the 25nl badge. (#700)

Everyone on the thread couldn’t believe what they reading, However, Silent_0ne seemed to accept that the 100nl bet was dead and he wasn’t getting the $67k prop bet win. He was willing to pay the $11k out and enter a new prop bet. Now, being the Ultimate Grinder at 50nl is his goal. Again, the bets were substantial and he had 8:1 odds in his favour for being the Ultimate Grinder for December at 50nl. The same day he made the new bet, he started at 50nl and was off.

The New Bet

Enter Fees. Fees is the 2+2 username of Ryan Fee (Currently on Team Upswing), at this point he was known for being a fearsome 2000nl grinder and writing Ryan Fee’s 6 max guide, which he distributed for free. In a world where succinct and good poker strategy was hard to come by, this was a valuable guide for many players. He takes interest in the thread on the 7th of December:

Fees i'll take all the action, PM me (#746)

Fees booked action late and the details of this booking were not listed in the thread. The next day, Fees acts a question about the rules:

Fees: what if kerpowski or jeffmet wins the ugl and he gets second? (#878)

Kerpowski and Jeffmet are players who took action against Silent_0ne. They are also 50/100nl grinders. The case of fellow grinders taking action was covered in the rules. A poster quotes the rules and informs Fees that they have to be existing 50nl/100nl grinders. Fees then asks the following question:

Fees: i think that implies at the same tables as him, but what if they just play completely different games and just win the ugl?

Remember these probing questions, they’ll become relevant later.
By the 10th of December things looked tough for Silent_0ne, the player of the top of the 50nl leaderboard was already at $2.5k profit (50 buy ins). Silent_0ne was up $1.1k and estimated he was only 2-3 days behind pace. By the 12th of December he was still playing brutally long sessions:

Silent_0ne: just finished 11 hour session, too tired to post anything, ill go to bed for a couple hours then post graphs/hands when i wake up. was tilted throughout entire session, played 12k hands...eyes burn...ran bad for once (6 buyins below ev)

He also posted eight hands that looked pretty spewy, here is one of them:

Poker Stars $0.25/$0.50 No Limit Hold'em $0.10 Ante - 5 players BB: $50.00 UTG: $103.40 CO: $137.65 BTN: $133.00 Silent_0ne (SB): $144.60
Pre Flop: ($1.25) Hero is SB with Ad Qh
1 fold, CO raises to $1.50, BTN calls $1.50, Silent_0ne calls $1.25, BB calls $1
Flop: ($6.50) 6c 6d 6s(4 players)
Silent_0ne checks, BB checks, CO bets $4, BTN folds, Silent_0ne raises to $14.75, BB folds, CO calls $10.75
Turn: ($36.00) 8h (2 players)
Silent_0ne bets $25.75, CO calls $25.75
River: ($87.50) 4d (2 players)
Silent_0ne bets $102.50 all in, CO calls $95.55 all in
Final Pot: $278.60
CO shows Jd Jc (a full house, Sixes full of Jacks)
Silent_0ne shows Ad Qh (three of a kind, Sixes)
CO wins $276.60

Even people taking action against him gave him advice:

King Fish: I am speechless … It's NL50. Stop trying to get so fancy. (#1038)

But then, Silent_0ne has an explosive session and is up an incredible $2800 in one day, that’s 56 buy ins! The posters go wild as he moves into 3rd place on the 50nl Ultimate Grinder leaderboard:

vaike $3,142, 19.38 Hands BB/100
zzn1980 $2,833, 2.46 Hands BB/100
Silent_0ne69 $2,634, 5.19 Hands B/100

For the first time people are starting to believe that he can do this.
Fast forward to the next day, December 13th and with another miraculous winning session he reaches number one on the leaderboard. He has $3.4k profit at 50nl and number two is close behind with $3.1k, if he can maintain his win rate of 6b/100 hands then he should have a very real chance of making an incredible comeback.
14th December. Fees posts:

Fees: still taking action, I want 2:1

Despite Silent_0ne being top of the leaderboard when he posted this and Fees already buying action Fees seemed willing to take 2:1 in Silent_0ne’s favour.
Soon after, a poster in the thread reveals that:

tightmaniac: fees is 4th

It is revealed that Fees who is normally a 2000nl player is playing 50nl HU and is 4th on the leaderboard. HU 50nl still counts towards the 50nl leaderboard. With the higher rate of hands of HU, bigger winrates of HU and Fees' skill, it could mean he would soon reach the top of the leaderboard. 10 minutes after TightManic’s post Fees lowers his odds:

Fees: Looking to take action on this at 1:1 (#1180)

The judge weighs in:

Jalexand42: If fees' didn't disclose this to whoever has his action, it's obviously pretty questionable, although that probably should have been asked. As far as the prop bet tho, I specifically asked Silent whether HU players should be included/excluded and he said included. The rules clearly don't exclude some random player from dropping down and playing $50nl (or $100nl for the original bet). They DO clearly state that people who bet against Silent one as part of the prop bet are NOT allowed to interfere with the bet, but I don't have anything to do with whatever side action fees may have on this. I told kerpowski last night that I didn't want him to play HU to try to win the badge, since I felt like it was a gray area in the intent of the rules (since he obviously doesn't normally play those stakes).
Kind of sucks for OP if this is going on, but I can't really change the rules after it's started since that would affect the people that bet against Silent. (#1196)

As of the 15 December Silent_0ne was still top of the board with $4.4k and most posters were expressing their displeasure if Fees were to continue playing 50nl. Silent_0ne drops this bombshell:

Silent_0ne: ‘2. Actions must be in accordance with the intent of having a fair prop bet. No actions (chip dumping, collusion, ghosting/coaching players on Silent_0ne's tables, etc) can be taken with the intent to affect the outcome of the prop bet. Violations will result in the violator's action being forfeited and may result in additional modification/extention to neutralize the interference.’ [Silent_0ne is quoting the rules here.] ‘The spirit of the bet is that OP is competing against players who 'really' play NL100, both ring and heads up.’
I know a friend of Fees and his friend said he was legit and everything. alittle after the bet started and action was full, fees approached me and my friend about taking additional action at 10 to 1. my friend and I took an additional 2.5k to his 25k and escrowed to wcgrider. the bet was under the assumption that the same rules as the 100nl bet were going to be used, and whatever the judge decides would be final.
so given the quotes above, it is against the rules that someone betting against me should also be able to compete against me given that he does not regularly play at 50nl (he plays 6max 2knl and WON the UGL badge last month at that stake) also, im not allowed to play 50nl HU which is really fishy and easy to win the UGL badge at if you put in enough volume.
regardless of if fees action is with Jalex or not, i think the same rules apply, because he is not a regular at the stakes and he accepted the same rules when making the bet with my friend and I going to eat something then start up a grind session, hopefully I continue to crush and run good, though my heart has sunk when I looked at fees in forth, and I feel ill and tilted (#1205)

Silent_0ne posted that he did a deal, off with main thread with 10 to 1 odds (Fees betting $25k to Silent_0ne’s $2.5k that Silent_0ne will win ultimate grinder 50nl) with Fees and that WCGRider (Doug Polk, currently of Upswing Poker and poker Youtube fame) is the escrow, not Jalexand42. Most posters now seem outraged:

King Fish: Wow what an angle shoot by Fees on this. This does help define the measure of what type of person he is that he is even attempting it. (#1207)
Tumaterminator: sickest hustle ever. (#1210)
kp1022: wait, doeboyfre$h is fees?
he sat me in 50nl HU a few days ago FWIW
after PTR'ing him , i asked why was he playing so low? he replied, "busto" (#1234)

Some of the posters were trying to play Fees at the 50nl in attempt to slow down his winning streak and tell Fees that he is breaking the rules. Silent_0ne expressed his displeasure and downed mental state:

Silent_0ne: this is horrible. im going to start my first grind right now. imo what fees is doing is against the rules and is unfair. i really hope i dont lose alot right now, but im in a pretty poor emotional state
please whoever is decent, sit it up with fees and discouarge him to continue what hes doing. 2knl player won badge last month, makes big bet against me and decides to compete for 50nl badge against me... (#1267)

For the first time in a few days Fees posts:

Fees: Hey,
Just to clear a few things up,

I haven't broken any rules, there isn't a rule that explicitly states that I cannot win the UGL.

I'm not trying to scam/do anything shady/etc, when I made the bet I posted in this thread asking if a bettor could win the UGL […] anyway I'm going to try and win the 50nl UGL this month... I haven't done anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with me going for it.

Then, an enflamed debate about the rules erupts, almost every poster is furious at Fees

Silent_0ne: had a conversation with WCGRider over the phone. the assumption was that jalex is the judge of this bet, and his word is final. WCGRider is simply just an escrow. fees and I agreed on the rules of the bet and having jalex of the judge. #1352

Then WCGRider (Doug Polk) posts for the first time:

WCGRider: Wanted to make a quick post here because i talked to colin earlier about this and i want to clear up a few things.
First off, I was never told i was going to be an escrow. I literally woke up with colins [Silent_0ne] money in my account. I was never asked anything, I was never told anything, I just was sent the money and thats it.
So now im being brought into this to make a decision, which i dont think really is fair. I haven't read any of this thread, I haven't read the rules. Also, fees has to be one of my best friends here in las vegas, and I want that to be clear before i give my opinion about this. I think its sort of unfair that i get put into this situation.

jalexand42 then posts his judgment in a lengthy post (#1526) but I believe this excerpt sums it up:

jalexand42: So, while it is not UNFAIR of fees to be playing $50nl, he has CLEARLY taken actions that will influence the outcome of the bet IF he wins the UGL for $50nl for December. Fees would clearly NOT be playing $50nl (and in fact is still playing his normal stakes) if he didn't have action on this bet. Fees also clearly understood this was a questionable area with regard to the rules based on his posts in this thread and he did not clarify it with the judge. He posts also indicate clearly that he felt he was subject to the rules. Therefore, I rule that Fees' standing on the UGL for December WILL BE IGNORED for purposes of determining this bet if he wins.

Many posters praise Jalexand42. But Jalexand42 does not have the money from the sidebet between Silent_0ne and Fees. WCGrider does. Silent_0ne gives his piece of mind and a quick poker update:

Silent_0ne: yes, i agree with this [Jalexand42's judgment].
also, fees can keep the 25k in the bet without any forfiet. im just really happy things worked out okay.
however i probably should have read this before my session I just played. probably wouldnt have spewed as much at the endodays been my worst day since the start of the 50nl bet so far. gonna play 1 more session later tonight and going to be in alot better and focused mood (#1561)

Then, another bombshell drops, a friend of WCRrider’s reveals that Fees didn’t even escrow his money to Doug:
theskillzdatklls: Afaik, Fees did not ship his $25k share to Doug, only Colin [Silent_0ne] sent his part. (#1669)
2+2 reacts:

Handbaggio: LOL wtf, fees hasn't escrowed his bet??? (#1676)
rnb0sprnkles: LOL and when I thought the drama was starting to die down, the thread gets even crazier (#1698)

Jalexand42 has a conversation with WCGRider to reach an agreement and reports:

Jalexand42: Okay, so here's the summary of my conversation with WCGRider:

He is only holding Silent & the_most's action, $2,500.

He did talk to Fees. Fees told him he was going to talk to Colin [Silent_0ne] today and 'hopes to work out something reasonable'.

I asked what that means, he said he didn't feel like he could tell me, because he felt like what Fees told him was as a friend, but that it sounded fair in WCGRider's opinion.

WCGRider said he thought my decision making sounded reasonable.

WCGrider said that noone told him what to do, so he figured he was just holding on to Silent's money.

I told WCGrider I was willing for him to ship me the $2.5k now if he was feeling uncomfortable, he said he'd wait to see what Silent & Fees work out. ( #1703)

Back to actual poker and Silent_0ne reports a bad losing session on the 16th December citing all the ongoing drama:

Silent_0ne: 22 buyin downswing im playing really bad right now, and I really wish I didn't have to think about and deal with all these other problems.

The community are rooting really hard to him at this point and are all telling him to stay strong. Things start to get messy when Jalexand42 speaks with WCGRider and Fees and in a long post ( #1957) said that WCGRider protested his participation was unfair and Jalexand42 accused him of not of not already sending the $25k to Jalexand42. Fees also tried to offer Silent_0ne a $1k buy out saying it was ‘super generous’, it was refused. Silent_0ne states that the reason fees doesn't want his money escrowed by Jalexand42 is that he is afraid that his bet will be forfeited due to breaking the rules. WCGRider chimed in to defend himself (he also spoke about playing 50nl-100nl and having a rough year, which is interesting as he developed into the top HU player for a time and couldn’t get action, even at the highest stakes.) The 2+2 community then debate and lightly harass WCGRider and Fees to concede and send the money to Jalexand42. Fees finally agrees to a 50% buyout.

The Outcome

On the 17th of December and Silent_0ne slips to number 2 on the leaderboards.

vaike $3,835 ,17.44BB/100
Silent_0ne69 $3,523, 4.25BB/100

Silent_0ne then makes a post that changes everything:

Silent_0ne : Hello everyone
firstly, I would like to say thank you so much to everyone who supported me throughout this bet. i cant stress how much it meant to me to see any post wishing me goodluck, or someone pming me given me some life lessons and more encouragement.
ive been approached by the bettors on numerous occasions regarding a buyout. the original buyout deal offered was 33%. eventually 37% was offered, and then 44%, and finally I agreed on 50% of total wagers from all 6 bettors as their buyout.
I am not really satisfied with a buyout, and I was not the one originally looking for the buyout. the bettors wanted it and I decided to see what they had to offer. what I wanted was time to spend with friends and family throughout the christmas break. With continuing this bet, I do have alot of confidence of accomplishing it, but at the expense of isolation through one of the most special times of each year. My family was mad at me when I tried explaining to them I probably wouldn't be able to particpate in any family events and have much if any celebration of christmas.
my goal the next 14 days was to just grind it out 10 hours each day with breaks inbetween, and sleep. Instead I will be able to go back to my regular, stress free grinding, and shipping 50% of the total wagers after half the month as gone by. In the end, including both the 100nl and 50nl prop bets, I made a net of roughly +20k. The other two options would be risking a net of -20k or a net of +60k. I took the variance free route, and all the bettors did the same thing. None of us wanted to lose the bet obviously, so I think we worked out a fair resolution with this buyout.
I have no hard feelings against fees or wcg rider. Perhaps a different scenerio would have occured if the recent issues did not occur, but thats in the past now and i'm looking forwards to a postive future. (#2511)

So, in the end all the parties involved reached a buyout agreement on the 50nl prop bet. Silent_0ne would stop playing the 50nl prop bet and would be up $20k. The community replies:

Ditch Digger: Silent, nice job. 50% is more than reasonable. (#2516)
kelnel: gg on +20k, u rocked!! (#2520)
shhhnake_eyes: I call this the most anticlimactic finish ever. (#2522)

Link to original thread.
Note: Please note I’ve tried to be impartial in writing this. Please let me know publicly or privately if there are any errors or you feel I misrepresented something or someone. The quotes I’ve included don’t always show the full post made but I’ve included the post number in each quote so you can read it on 2+2 in full context. If you want to be fully informed you should read the whole 2+2 thread.

OBLIGATORY FILLER MATERIAL. SHIP BREAKING AND BUSTING NUTs. Part 2

Continuing
“And take your finger charger!” she yells as she heads up to our room. “Don’t want to run out of juice halfway through”.
“Yes, dear”, I reply. That’s a damned good idea. I would have forgotten with all the other shit I’ve got on my mind.
I make a quick call and have my crane operator meet me at the job site. I explain that I need him to lift me and this welding cart right over the transom of the ship and into the very bowels of the ship. I’m heading to ‘shaft alley” and dragging along a heavy, wheeled welding cart with 4 bottles of oxygen and another 4 of acetylene. Plus masks, regulators, tips, guns, rods, and all that fun welding stuff.
Luckily, the ship, or what’s left of it, has electrical power hooked up to the mains for a few more days. I can run a portable smoke rejector, MP3 radio, a45nd my finger chargers all while I sweat, swear, and strain at welding in place twin 36” tail shafts.
He lifts me up and over, with my radio directions, he lands me about 25 feet from my next job site. I unhook everything while telling him “Don’t pull slack!, Fer chrissakes!”.
I detangle the welding cart and all my other accouterments for the night, and after unhooking the jib line from the railing where I set it for safekeeping, it withdraws like a Martian Viewfinder in The War of the Worlds. I hear crane diesels fire up and move slowly away.
It’s quiet, darkish, dank, and somewhat smelly. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like working like this. Alone, by myself, and with no one else. I dislike kibitzers, nose-poker-inners, and other forms of subhuman flotsam and jetsam.
I pull on my welder’s cap, and then my special welder’s mask, stick a cigar in through the custom-made cigar hole, fire up a heater, and a welding rod. Sparks fly from both at I attack tail shaft number one.
Five hours later, and half my supplies are gone, I’m finished with tail shaft #1. That sucker isn’t going anywhere. I may not be a pretty welder, but when I weld something, it fucking-A stays welded.
I drain 500 milliliters of spring water. Probably my 12th bottle and I’ve yet to have to utilize the euphemism; it’s that close and hot down here.
I was just thinking that I could sure use a quick drink or 11 when I hear the muted roar of diesels and see a figure slowly descending via a crane jib line.
“Es!”, I groan at her mode of entry, “What the hell is this in aid of?”
“Oh, nice. Here I thought I’d bring you some lunch, and with the ship listing at these cray angles, the only way was that your crane guy saw me and offered to put me aboard.”
“Right!” I growl, “Like a worm dangling on a hook? Dangerous much?”
“Oh, but OK for you? Sexist.”
“I’m not sexist, just trained and besides…you’re right. I just don’t want you hurt. It’s not the most conventional form of travel…”
“But I’m in a 9 point rescue harness and Adil was being so careful. Oh, that reminds me, you owe Adil another case of potato juice.”
“Not a problem”, I smile as I take the suspiciously heavy lunch box, “I’d even give up a box of cigars to see you anytime.”
“Oh, OK. I’ll tell him that.”
“Please don’t. With my poker losses, I’m into him and his cronies for too much already.” I smile.
Es keys her radio and asks Adil to come back in an hour and a half or so.
“That’s a long lunch”, I note.
“Well, need time for a little exercise after lunch, don’t we?” Es smiles.
“Indeed we do.” As I lustily attack a turkey & swiss sandwich and a tall frosty Kingfisher.
Three hours later, I’m back welding on tail shaft number two. After lunch and some special exercises, I was about to let the damn thing just hang and ease back to the Raj for a few co-ed laps in the Jacuzzi.
However, duty calls and time grows short. There’s much to do and miles to go before I sleep. Miles to go before I sleep.
Four hours later, I emerge from shaft alley. I’m filthy, tired, and look like hell. It’s got to be 45 to 50⁰ C in there and I’ve just spent the last number of hours with a 6,500⁰ welding torch in my hands. Good thing I brought along the pare fingers, as all the vibrations, heat, smoke, and fuming of the torch must have depleted the dilithium power cells in my normal set.
I call Adil and have him lift just me and my fingers with charger out of the bowels of the boat. The rest of the materials my guys can drag out. Who knows? Maybe they’ll need a welder or MP3 player for some oddly bizarre reason.
I pay off Adil and take a rain check on tonight’s poker game.
I knew I should have never shown them Texas Hold’em…
I see a tap tap nearly whiz by. A thrown rock grabs his attention. Almost immediately, I drop in and instruct him to take me to the gate.
“Just the gate, Sahib?” he asks.
“Well, I’m going to the Raj, but you don’t…”
“The hell Chandrama doesn’t, Doctor Rock.” He smiles.
Fuck. He knows me somehow. This is gonna cost me.
“OK, then the Raj”, I say, “What’s this going to run?”
“Oh, however many rupees you can pare. Maybe a cigar. Maybe some spirits…?”
“OK on all three, but you’ll have to wait a bit. I’m just off work and currently skint.”
“No worries. Dr. Rock is well known here. We will be off.” He toothily smiles at me as he hits the throttle.
I never thought it was possible to pull G’s in an Indian tap tap.
After I pay Chandrama his rupees, cigars, and bottle of scotch; I wearily drag my carcass towards our room.
Esme is already in the library having breakfast.
I wander over and she holds up her hand.
“Not until you shower and change. I can smell you clear over here.” She admonishes.
“By your command, dear”, I say. I head to the bar, create a very large hard-day-down-in-the-bowels-of-a-doomed-cruise-ship-welding drink, and shuffle off to our room.
While I’m in the shower and my fingers are getting their charge on, I hear a knock at the door. Before I could even adjust the water temperature, the door flies open and the chambermaid whooshes in, grabs my nasty work clothes and boots, yells something unintelligible, and scurries out the door.
“I hope that she is going to get them washed,” I say, drying off, “And not burned.”
They were pretty nasty.
Back in the library, in my natty usual work outfit of Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and field boots, Esme and I are discussing our next steps.
“We need to get back to the Middle East eventually”, Esme admonishes. “You’ve got to get to university one of these days.”
“I know”, I reply over eggs, toast, sausages, hash browns, mushrooms, black pudding, and coffee. “But this job is special. Who knows when next I’ll be allowed to blow stuff up?”
“Knowing you?” Es smiles, “About 60 minutes after we land at university.”
“From your lips to my ears”, I say over shoveling of breakfast.
After breakfast, I realize that I’m dead tired, so back to the room for a bit of kip. Es decides that since time is winding down, she’ll go into town, perhaps for the last time this trip, and do a little shopping.
“Go nuts. Tired out. Sleep front blew through.” I say as I hand her my wallet. “Just leave enough for burial expenses.”
Esme scoffs, quickly kisses me and heads out the door to our waiting driver. I didn’t realize just how tired I was, as I drag my carcass back to the room and collapse with an audible THUD.
Around 1100, I awakened, refreshed. During my slumber, someone infiltrated our room and committed another premeditated neatness. They also left my freshly washed, dried, and pressed orange PPEs.
“How convenient”, I smile to myself, as I dress and head back to the job site.
I leave Esme a note that I’ll be at the armory for the rest of the day but will be back in time for dinner. Now comes the design and implementation phase of the project, and I want at least 6 hours of solitude to put the final touches on my plans. Going to need a lot of fabrication and the last thing I need are people around me, even my beloved wife. It’s nut cuttin’ time, and I need to devote some serious little gray cells to the matter at hand.
Later that night, around tiffen, which we take purty durn early round these parts, buckaroo, Esme, and I are wide-eyed over the steaks the Majordomo had procured for our evening repast.
Prime porterhouses. Esme’s steak is about 2” thick, mine twice that. Hers done to a grilled medium-rare perfection, mine just restored to natural bodily temperature or blue as some like to term it.
We have been offered a couple of bottles of 1998 Chateau Lafite Rothschild - Pauillac 1er Grand Cru Classe; which I deem ‘grape juice with an attitude’, but with which Esme is smitten. We somehow manage two bottles that evening.
I cannot understand the goofiness over wine by oenophiles. Now if it were a couple of bottles of Russo-Baltique vodka, I could understand…
Apart from a very simple and very good house salad, sans cucumbers, the nasty, evil things; we eschewed any other form of accompaniment. We’re primarily carnivores and vegetal side dishes aren’t dinner, that’s something dinner would eat.
Afterward, we’re relaxing in the library. I’m smoking a very nice Oscuro Arturo Fuente Opus X from the box Mr. Kannada obtained for me. Esme is having one of the three cigarettes she’s allowing herself until she quits smoking altogether. She is laboring under the impression that I’ll follow suit, and far be it from me to dissuade her of that idea.
Anyways.
Sanjay wanders by.
“There you are”, he states.
“You have a keen grasp of the obvious”, I reply with a puff and a slurp.
“Did you lock out the armory?” he asks.
“Aw, shitsnacks. Didn’t Adil give you the note?” I asked, “I told him to give you the note that I’ve locked down the armory as I’ve been fabricating in there for the big show in two days. The last thing I need is a bunch of ham-fisted clodhoppers wandering around in there and knocking over a piece of my work. That would be…unfortunate…” I said coldly.
“Oh, OK then.” Sanjay says, “But next time, please let me know in advance.”
“Oh, most assuredly”, I assured Sanjay. Although a repeat performance seems highly unlikely.
After a hearty breakfast the next morning, Es is off shopping one last time as I need the entire day, most of is spent hooked to a crane, fumbling around a pair of intricately machined boat screws. Setting a precise and definite recipe of high explosives I’ve designed.
While the rest of the guys are setting and priming charges for after my show, I’m working alone. I’ve cordoned off the aft of the ship as a “No-Go Zone”. I’m laying a few tons of various high explosives, and the last thing I need are gawkers, questioners, or nose-poker-inners.
One thing they know, when Dr. Rock says “Get lost”, one stays lost.
It’s just about dark, and I’m finished. I’ve posted a quartet of guards which changes every four hours, to watch over my handiwork as I’ve now got 5.5 tons of various high explosives set, charged and primed. All the electrical leads are shorted to ground and actually buried to a lead bus-bar in the sand near the stern of the ship. There’s no way I’m letting any errant electrons travel where they shouldn’t ought and cause a short.
That would be, what we in the demolition business call, a “Bad Thing”.
With capital letters.
The next morning dawned clear and bright as it usually does when the monsoon’s not in town. I avail myself of a hearty breakfast with Esme before I’m off for the ceremonies.
“So”, I say over coffee, Greenland of course, and toast, “What was that you were saying last night? Sorry, I was a bit nitro-groggy…”
Es replies, “It's a very busy week. I'm thinking about not going to the demolition.”
“Huh!”
“The kids need me, honey. I’ve got to send off their packages. Khris is having car problems…” she continues.
“Es. We've had these kids for a while now. They've never kept you from coming to the other demolitions.” I reply.
Es continues, “Honey, it's not like I've never been to a demolition before. I just don't think I
can go through all that... I'll just be glad when this one is over.”
I sigh, “Well, you're gonna miss a hell of a show.”
I finish up breakfast, pull out a cigar, kiss Esme and head for the door. I don’t even stop to look back. I know her. She makes up her mind and that’s it.
I’m a little down, but there’s a job that needs to be done. A big, fat, hairy, nasty, potentially deadly, and altogether ridiculously profitable job. Game face on, it’s nut cuttin’ time once again.
I grab the jib line from the crane and have Adil hoist me around like we did all day yesterday. I’m galving connections, re-soldering some Western Unions splices that the salt air and humidity have compromised, just basically re-doing everything for the 1100 show.
Then, once finished, I’ll do it all over again.
The propeller cones on the tail shafts are covered in heavy canvas. I’ve built a special series of shaped charges, just like the ones I’ll be using to spin off the Pilgrim Nuts, but of different materials.
I’ve created six corresponding lines of plastic explosives, parallel to the tail shafts that will detonate exactly 0.25 seconds apart sequentially. This will generate a torque on the caps, and if I’ve used enough boost, will spin them off the shaft and out of the way rather than atomize them.
The procedure is based upon a similar, though smaller, procedure taught to me by one of the more crimson paragons of wild well firefighting. He showed me how to mold shaped charges and align them to break the connection on hammer unions and give them a good spin instead of just gobbing explosives all over and blowing the crap out of the connections.
That way, the caps, unions, and pipes to which they’re attached can be retrieved and re-used.
He was a master of the art. I’m glad I could learn even a little from him.
I’m doing the same thing for the Pilgrim Nuts a bit later in the show, just with about three-quarters of a ton of highly malleable explosive each. Boom, wait a few hundred milliseconds, boom goes the next line, blast, rinse, repeat.
If all goes well, the shock waves are self-reinforcing. The initial movement of the nut on its threads is amplified by each subsequent firing. By the time Number 6 hits, the nut’s free spinning and with the aid of gravity, spins right off the tail shaft and onto the soft, warm sand of the Western shore of the Indian Ocean.
At least, that’s the theory.
OK, here’s the whole show lowdown, at least from my end of the boat.
I’ve rigged the stern of the ship with about three spools of Primacord. That goes first and cleans off all the accumulated sea schmoo and crapola that could interfere with my next shots.
Since I’m an inveterate showman, I’ve wired Primacord around the railing on the distal stern of the ship. I’ll clean that off as well as it annoys me by its very presence.
That will be a hard-wire job and I have the galved leads right here next to me on the stage; tied into my boom-stick or blasting board.
Next, I have several hundreds of pounds of Seismogel in shaft alley. This is a hard-wire job as well. this will not only test my welding capabilities, but shake loose the tail shafts, but not break my welds, I fervently hope. After sitting for so long with all that weight in one spot, the tail shafts and propellers could have damn nigh welded themselves together. I’m providing a bit of a knock to rattle, but not break, them apart. Besides, I like playing around with binaries.
Next, the propeller caps go, as I’ve explained previously. Also, a hard-wired plastique job, and their color-coded leads are right here, next to me on the dais, wired right into the blasting board.
Once those are gone, meaning the sand-capable forklifts have ushered them out of the way, it’s time for the Pilgrim Nuts. Again, hard-wired, and I have the leads already tied into the blasting board. This is going to be one of the big ones, so I re-galv that just to be sure.
So, if all goes as planned, the sand-capable forklifts will have pushed the Pilgrim Nuts out of the way and it’s time for the props to come on down. I’ve done my homework and spoken with Captains, Able-Bodied Seamen, and other forms of Salty Dogs about how this is to go.
There unanimous answers: “Not well.”
Getting the heavy props to slide down the tail shafts, even with gravity assist is everything from “A real pain in the ass” to “A cast-iron bitch.” Everyone I’ve interviewed agreed, this is the hard part. Once a propeller and tail shaft mate, it’s a monogamous union. Let no mand rend asunder.
That’s why I’ve planted a few tones of ANFO, liquid nitro, and a C-4 back-up.
This is going to be the big one. Actually, the two big ones, as I’m tasked with removing two of these 101-ton mothers.
There’s only one thing which has me a bit worried. “Did I use enough nitro?”
I used a special concoction of my own design, I took 3” fire hose that was scrapped off one of the ships and cut it to fit the circumference just behind the hub of the propeller. I filled the those loosely with ANFO. This will give a nice, clean deflagrating, rather than a detonating jolt. I need the jolt for the frozen nitro that I’ve shoved into a 1” hose and threaded through the middle of the 3” ANFO-filled one.
The idea is this: the ANFO will blow and push the propeller initially down the shaft, perhaps as much as 6 inches or so. Perhaps a micron, I don’t yet know. However, almost immediately after that, but a few milliseconds later, the nitro, now compressed approximately 10:1, will detonate.
But in that briefest of time intervals, the hoses will contract heavily due to the heat and I hope will fall in behind the propeller. Once that nitro goes, it has no other way to go but sideways and that should provide the punch I need to ease that 101-ton mother off its seat on the shaft and down, with gravity assistance, to the soft sand below.
Then it’s up to Adil to swing in with his crane and drop the 25 or 30 tons of sand on the prop laying on the beach. Because as soon as he’s the fuck out of the way, it’s time for round two.
If all goes as planned, then I’ll detonate the last couple of hundredweights of PETN and TATB I’ve planted in the power plants of the boat. My guys were having a bit of a time scrapping the huge engine, so I figured as long as I was here, well…
Then, the few hundred dollars’ worth of Chinese fireworks I smuggled in will be lit off.
When the “Oohs!” and “Aaahs” dies down, my job is done. Time to retire from the peace and quiet of the oil industry and back into the hurly-burly of academia.
At least, that’s the plan.
I’m fucking around with the blasting board and setting the frequency, and double and triple-checking it when I feel a tap on the shoulder.
“You fucking Narnie!” I say as I slowly stand and confront…
“Agent Rack! Agent Ruin! What the hell are you doing here?” I ask.
“Oh, we heard it was going to be quite the show. Since we were in the neighborhood, we decided to drop on by to see our favorite Doctor’s handiwork.” Agent Rack chuckled as he chucked me on the shoulder and helped himself to one of the cigars in my breast pocket.
“Oh, yeah. Who told you that”, I smiled.
Agent Rack and Agent Ruin turn 45⁰ and point at someone very, very familiar.
I look over the crowd. I’m stunned by what I see.
“Well, hey, that looks like Esme Rocknocker. But it can't be. She's not coming to the demolition.” I hoot.
“I heard there was gonna be a hell of a show.” Came the reply.
“Who told you that?” I asked.
“Oh. Some guy I know.” She laughingly replies.
“You can't live without me.” I smile as I wag my finger at her.
Sanjay smiles, gives me a thumbs up and escorts Es, and the agents, over to the VIP seats.
It’s 1045 hours, T-15 minutes. I’m a little fidgety. I spark a new cigar and take a long pull off Emergency Flask #2. Just what I need, some dangerous brown liquor. Remind me to smack Sanjay upside the head next time I’m free.
The crowd is coming in heavy now. I see, over in the VIP seats, Goodgulf Greyteeth, Major Nakula Dattachaudhuri, and Mr. Ranganekary. I give them all the high sign to let them know that things are, at this point, A-Okay.
Time marches on. I cannot galv another connection. It’s now or never. Sanjay’s over in eh cheap seats with the video camera, capturing this for posterity.
1100 rolls around. The klaxon blares and it is, for the lack of a better term, Show Time.
I take the podium with a microphone and my blasting board, and back-up radio detonators, covering the small table next to the lectern. I am wearing my freshly laundered and pressed blaze orange PPEs and do a little “Testing. 1.2.3. Testing” to ensure Sanjay has all the proper levels.
He does and now it’s all up to me.
No pressure.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen. We’re so glad you could be here on this momentous occasion of the near-final demolition, via explosives and trained Indian crew, of this Scandinavian cruise ship. But first, let me note that this ship has been taken down to near bare-bones by a freshly trained indigenous crew. They have done so without an LTI or single casualty. They will appear in a few minutes to run you through the safety procedures before we commence with the demolition of this, the last parts of the big boat.”
There are small applause and grumbles of assent.
I go over what I have planned and how it’s going to be a six-part show. I point out the muster area if things go haywire and we have to evacuate. I mentioned I’ve never had to do that before, but I need to point out its Safety First with this crowd.
With that, I introduce my Indian colleagues. They assemble in front of the stern of the craft, face the crowd and proceed to go through the Safety Dance, just like I taught them, first in English, then in Hindi.
At किसी बड़े विस्फोट की चेतावनी देना (Fire in the Hole!), it’s my show.
I hit the air horn, make the announcement of “Hit it!” and let loose the Primacord.
It snakes and swivels most showmanly. It blasts all the loose, and not so loose, crap off the face of the stern of the ship. Then, the blasted-of stainless steel railings drop to the sand.
Silence ensues.
“Round 2!” I holler through the mike and over the PA system, and the muffled blasts of lots and lots of Seismogel is heard rattling the rafters, making things loose for the next series of events.
Round 2 was a bit anticlimactic, so I shout “Round Three” and let loose the plastique composition I created here in the last few days. It was most satisfying to hear six separate, but audible, detonations and watch the propeller cap off tail shaft number one spin itself off the shaft and bury itself in the warm Indian ocean beach sand.
Round Three-B was just as satisfying, as that was even a bit more energetic. The cap spun so well it flew off the tail shaft and burrowed itself into the beach sand.
I checked to see if Adil, his crane, and sand bucket were ready. Once the forklifts moved the propeller caps out of the way, it was Pilgrim Nuts then the big show.
“Round Four-A. The Pilgrim Nuts!” I said and hit the actuator.
Nothing.
Whoops. Got my size 16 EEEs caught in the negative lead. A quick fix and I reiterate: “Round Four-A!”
KER-FUCKING-RIPPLE-BOOM! Six times.
The Pilgrim Nut from Tail Shaft #1 spun off and landed, spinning madly, on the beach.
“Round 4-B!” I shouted through the mike.
“KER-FUCKING-RIPPLE-BOOM!” Six more times.
Pilgrim Nuts no longer concern me as they are being hustled off the beach by the sand-capable forklifts.
“Now, ladies and gentlemen, the Main Event. Watch closely as I drop 101 tons of angry propeller down off their tail shafts and onto the beach. Twice.”
Or so I fervently hoped.
“Round Five-A!” I screamed as I hit the radio remote marked “Round 5-A”.
Holy Fucking Hanna. Who says ANFO doesn’t detonate?
There’s this Earth-shattering kaboom followed milliseconds later by a Jupiter shattering kaboom. ANFO followed by pure, raw, liquid, 100% headache-inducing nitroglycerine.
The sounds were atrocious. The noise was horrendous. The smoke was incredible. The KERBLAM of 101.5 tons of finely machined copper-zinc-bronze-unobtanium hitting the sand and shaking the spectators was most enjoyable.
Adil swept in with his crane and expertly covered the first screw with about 30 or so tons of nice, fluffy, dry sand.
Then he turned and skedaddled.
“Great. Another case of giggle water gone.” I mused.
“Who’s up for Round Five-B?” I asked to no one in particular.
A little too loudly, just before I hit the radio-controlled detonator, there could be heard lowly over the PA system: “Eat sand you nasty motherfucker!”
Sanjay caught it loud and clear.
KER-FUCKING-BLAM! The ground shook as the second screw, a little more slowly, a little more deliberately, slid off its tail shaft and onto the soft beach sand below; nowhere near the first one.
Now it was time for some fun.
“Round Six” I said as I pressed the big, shiny red button that unleashed the binaries deep in the power plant of the erstwhile ship.
The earth shaked, the ground cracked, and out stepped Fmax.
Please as punch, fresh as a daisy, he walked tall while the world went crazy.
When he was done and spent with sin, he returned home, as Fmin.
Nothing left to do but the unscheduled Round 7.
Skyrockets splattered in the sky. Pyrotechnic volcanoes spewed forth their sparks, smoke, and bombs heavenward. Roman candles, embarrassed by the previous participants, did their best to color the blue of the day. Hundred upon thousands of firecrackers popped, sparked, and snapped. Then three blocks of C-4, wired together, signaled the noisy end of festivities.
That last one was my contribution.
Once everyone uncrouched, realized it was all over, was a success and everyone had survived, the spontaneous applause, hoots, and hollers we most gratifying. I brought Sanjay and my guys up on stage, had them introduce themselves, better for the CEO to know them, and take a well-deserved bow.
I tried slinking out but was waylaid by Sanjay, Esme, and Agents Rack and Ruin.
“Jesus Christ, Rock”, Agent Ruin exclaimed, “Here I always thought your blasting things to kingdom come was a metaphor. Holy fuck! Remind me never to get on your bad side.”
Agent Rack just stood and smiled. He was glad I was on their side but too proud to say so. I knew what he was thinking, though.
Sanjay told me he got great footage of the show and would compile it all together and send it to Dr. Inzhener Neftyanik straight away.
Esme walked over and gave me a hug.
“I am so glad you’re not doing this anymore. “ she said, “I die a little each time you went out on a job.“
I decided not to tell her about my talks with quarry operators in the state where we’ll eventually be relocating.
Gulfy, Major Nakula Dattachaudhuri, and Mr. Indian Agent Ranganekary all came over and relayed their approbations and good intentions.
Gulfy was smiling like the cat that got the canary. He obviously had a stake in those props and a buyer. That’s good. Good for him. It’ll ease the sting of my bill and the bill for the materials I used.
And borrowed.
There was a combination congratulatory and fond farewell banquet at the Raj that evening. Esme and I could leave at any time, as we had the Indian Government Gulfstream at our disposal. We only had to give 12 hours’ notice for the setting of flight plans and fueling of the bird. Esme and I decided to make a real night of our last night in India, for at least a while.
Sanjay somehow managed a convertible Cadillac for us to take a midnight tour of the place now that the work here was done. Remind me to say something nice about Sanjay sometime in the future.
The next morning, even though Agents Rack and Ruin stayed the night, they were gone by the time Es and I arose for breakfast. It was only 0600 local time, so they must have boogied in the wee hours.
No matter, they’ll show up again, like a bad check or a crooked penny.
Majordomo Kannada and his crew packed for us, after assuring that all our clothes had been washed, dried, pressed and folded, even my grotty PPEs.
Sanjay had sent all the raw footage to my university. It was my sincere hope and desire they found at least some of the material useful.
Esme remained curiously silent about the whole situation.
Later that afternoon, at 54,000’ AMSL, I’m relaxing with a fine cigar and fresh drink. Esme is reading another of her romance novels while working on a glass of white wine.
Mr. Indian Agent Ranganekary decided to tag along to ensure that the Gulfstream was indeed returned to India.
“You Indians are all the same. You have no faith in the essential decency of the white man's culture.” I snickered to Mr. Ranganekary.
“You got that right, Bwana”, He chuckled in return.
We land and are met at the airport by the hotel limousine. Got to hand it to him. Mr. Ranganekary thought of everything.
We part and shake hands, promising to stay in touch, if the accident will.
Mr. Ranganekary just smiled. He knows the accident will one day.
Back at the hotel, I’m relaxing in the Jacuzzi and Esme is looking over the room service menu. Borders are still closed, as are the airports back home. We’re still stuck until this COVID craziness burns itself out.
The phone rings, and Esme answers. There’s a lot of “Yes.” “Really?” and “OK, I’ll tell him” in that conversation.
I think about getting out of the tub, but why when I was just beginning to enjoy it so? Besides if it was anything important, or time-critical, Esme would tell me.
Later, in bed, just as I was about to switch off the lights, I ask Es who was on the phone earlier.
“Oh, that? It was Dr. Inzhener Neftyanik from school. Nothing very important.” She hurries.
“Look, lady,” I say, returning with a scowl, “I’ve known you far too long. Spill it.”
“Well, Rock, darling”, she said. I was braced for the worst.
“He was just saying he received the video footage from India.” She said.
“And?” I demanded.
“Well, he was surprised as it was the first time he’s ever seen you. “ she smiled.
Not having a haircut or beard trim for over 18 months, I can imagine.
“Was that all? What did he say about the footage?” I asked.
“Oh, he got it,” Es remarks, smiling.
“And?” I demanded once again.
“He was very thankful, but he said that there was nothing there they could use. Would scare the shit out of the kids, he said.”
I thought that was a bit high handed.
“Furthermore, he’s not sure some of that footage would be legal to show. “ she continued.
“Well, he might have something there." I mused.
“He also says that he never wants to ever get on your bad side.” She chuckled.
Look. Just because I’m huge and can wire a bomb like Robert Oppenheimer, doesn’t mean that I’m short-tempered. Does it?
Well, does it?!?
“He did say thanks than now they’ll really have something to show at the annual departmental Christmas parties”, Es shrugged and smiled. "He can't wait to meet you in person."
So, at least I have that going for me. Which is nice…

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